Do you love me…follow me

John 21:15-17 (Bible Reina Valera, 1960)

15 When they had eaten breakfast, Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John,[f] do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said to him, “you know that I love you.” “Feed my lambs,” he told him. 16 A second time he asked him, “Simon, son of John, do you love me? ”Yes, Lord,” he said to him, “you know that I love you.” “Shepherd my sheep,” he told him.17 He asked him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”

For a long time I have wondered, God, what is your purpose in me? There are so many circumstances that surround us that sometimes we lose the horizon of what God wants to do with us. Many times we seek in other places such as professional career, studies, works, arts, and even society tells us “search inside you because there is a talent hidden in you.” Yes, yes, we know, but which one?

Currently, I have spent fifteen (15) years working in the pharmaceutical industry and hospitals, with Doctoral studies in changes and organizational developments, master in competitive manufacturing, and baccalaureate in natural sciences, chemistry. As you read, “Wau!” will say many. My friends tell me “the doors will open and you will see the world is at your feet”, but the reality is not. Many times the search for employment is not easy, I feel many times wasting my time filling so many applications that consume me the day, I attended interviews, for the long term to receive not qualify or because I am overqualified. I wonder, is it that I have to eliminate my studies? Well, almost everyone starts eliminating studies to start working on something, and then I say, “no” if God has allowed me to get where I am why I need to remove something that God has allowed. Dear reader, you will say that I am full of pride, which I should start on something or somewhere, right? Then, let me tell you that I have always started again and from the bottom.

I remember that on October 31, 2007 (how not remember this date) I was unemployed since the company was in its restructured. Of course, it is like all who live to be without employment, we cry, hit the walls and floor (we get pits off, frustrated), but we recognize that the Life goes on.

I woke up to the next working day and went to the unemployment department, it wasn’t much what they gave ($), but something is something. Many friends for pride did not want to go, but I indicated that it is better to have something in the pockets than nothing. I continued my master’s degree, which the company initially paid, and I had to complete the payments (by credit card) since I did not work more for the company. For the next year, my life was a disaster, although many times we don’t want to pass our troubles on to our families, friends, and Church, and always with a smile. But, the truth, everything changed.

My marriage began to go overboard, and for my family, church, and friends everything seemed normal. My mother was very ill and I at that time gave thanks to God for not having a job, because I was present until his death. After her death, my marriage culminated (more than 10 years), and we arrived at the divorce. My whole world collapsed, I had no job, my mother died, and a divorce, all at the same time (year).

But, I, the strongest, started taking makeup classes (yes, because as a woman low self-esteem arrives), jewels-making class, and completing my university studies with the savings I had. For a while, I asked God, why all this?  If I have been a good daughter, a good employee, good Christian, Good Wife, I am not ugly (because often begins our self-esteem to go down) and even preached his word, why?  What did I do wrong? For a while, those were my questions for a while.

I went to live with my father for a while. One day my father told me, “Your husband will arrive”. And I said to myself, “Oh! Yes, sure”. Meanwhile, I continue with the appointments of my marriage counselor, which my husband stopped going since the marriage failed. But, my father’s words worked on me and I went one day to look for my ex-husband, to see if there was hope, but nothing to see, everything went wrong. I tried, but it didn’t work.

One day, among many whys, God tells me to read the story of Esther (book Esther, Bible) and understood that I had to fast and pray for three days for restoration of my marriage, and obedient at last, so I did. Nothing happened right away. But, one day, my ex-husband came to my father’s house to ask for forgiveness! Wau! I couldn’t believe it.  From that day on, we agreed that he had to continue to visit the counselor and from that moment on we have the opportunity to our relationship. Finally, we remarried, why not. Yes, we got married since I was the wife and not the mistress. From that moment on, he values his wife (me) more, we appreciate the relationship between us and ever since we are together. (Then I will write more in detail on this topic, how God transformed our marriage and characters)

After our marriage was recovered, the little I had (savings) was invested in a cafeteria and in a flea market. My friends said that I had “Babilla” (courageous) because I worked in everything, many of my friends told me that they would not do what I was doing because they had pride, but “work is work” I told them. But, the reality is that it was not easy, for me, with high studies and to be in high-ranking jobs, but nobody was going to pay my debts.  It worked for a while, but the cost of living we had was high because was based on two previous salaries. My husband could no longer pay the expenses and everything began to worsen because there were no more savings, and we work day by day, and all debts began to fall behind and collectors to touch the doors and phone calls that turn us crazy.

Finally, one day my husband came with the idea to join the army, I did not like the idea, but it was the best alternative since I did not find a job, and my friends got jobs faster and I did not, and I asked, God, why? I staring blaming God, “look, God, now we have to join the army.” I didn’t understand anything, what the Lord wanted from me and my husband. So, it happened, he joined the US Army and after he finished his military studies I moved with him to the United States. We had to sell the cars (which were in arrears of payments) and let go many things to start again.

When I arrived to the US, I started working as a floor clerk in a store. Left behind my pride, which no longer existed. Started working for the minimum wage hour. Well, in a strange country with debts that we were carrying from Puerto Rico (PR), it was necessary to have something that nothing. There were many sacrifices (not expensive travel, no expense in accessories, and others) everything was to save to pay the debts of PR (house, Loan, and others), because one has to continue to be responsible for what God has given us. Meanwhile, I was asking, God, how long do I have to feel so humiliated? I don’t understand anything! I worked for nine (9) months in the store, then I was a teacher’s assistant for almost a year and finally, I was able to go to work for the federal government. Wau! Finally, I thought.

Eventually, the decision came back to return to PR and left everything. When I finally felt comfortable and I did not wanted to return, suddenly in my work everything turned gray, companions were no longer companions and everything was being impossible, and I wondered again, God, what happened? If everything was going well? Why all the suddenly everything goes backwards? I didn’t understand. But, when the military contract ended, we returned to PR.

While my husband was still in the militia, my husband was studying his doctoral course which was a year ahead, then I started the following year to study my doctoral career. Well, my mother always told me, always be on the same level with your husband to avoid being “unequal “. What is important is this, the couple must be aligned at all times to avoid conflicts (then talk about this issue on another occasion).

When we arrived to PR, my husband settled in his previous job, and I started looking for work, but nothing to do, I didn’t get anything. Knocked doors, applied to applications and nothing for a year. Oh, God! How difficult it is for me to do all this, and why me? When the vast majority get a quick job! I don’t understand, God! But nothing, life must go on, we paid the debts when we return from the US and we get up to date after seven (7) years of sacrifice.

The year after I was in PR, I got a job. With the work of my husband and mine, we started again to save, save, we returned to sacrifice, not travel, not “gustito (goodies)”. Then, my work of two (2) years, the working environment again gave another turn, it was no longer the same. I graduated from my doctoral studies as well as my husband (a year before mine). All the sudden, I wondered, why  the doors are closed, God? After Hurricane Maria (September, 2017) (then in another blog I’ll talk about how God took care of us) and seeing that everything was going from bad to worse we decided to return to the US. Determined to look for a better lifestyle and looking for new career opportunities.

I thank God that we are bless in all aspects of our life God has blessed us in a great way. Perhaps many readers say, “Relax” there is no need to work, but as an active and productive person, coming back to the US, I began the job search. Time filling applications, trying to find information to be a consultant or open our own business, but time has elapsed and nothing. Sometimes people think that setting up a business is easy, but the truth is that every state has its own regulation. I ask God again, why? I don’t understand? Now that I am professionally prepared, with vast professional experience, why the doors are not open? What’s wrong with me? Tell me? Why? Speak to me, because I don’t understand! When the time comes to despair, many times we ask these questions (and as you will see I do it with frequencies).

God in his love and mercy reminds me that he is in the boat and he is the rudder, the captain of our lives. But, I say, I know Lord that I must trust your process, but my humanity fails me, and I ask myself the question, why me? Give me guideline, send someone to talk to me, give me a sign… and so many other questions that come to us. Then again, I cool down, meditate, think over, and say it is okay, Iris. Well, I say “Lord feed me as the birds of the field and dress me with the colors of the flowers of the field because I have done all that I could as a human I am. You can’t tell me I’m lazy, I don’t do anything, because I’ve tried everything, Sir. If the world is designed for me in this way, then help me to remain confident in you”.

Until one day, God speaks to me and asks me, do you love me? Tears sprout from my eyes and a feeling full of emotions that I cannot explain. I said as Peter, Lord, I love you, you know I love you! I say, “What I have and what I am I owe to you.” I love you! Well, he said to me, follow me! Follow me!

Then I responded like Peter, What? What do you mean, follow me?  If I have followed you all my life, and I have kept within your will carrying your word and following your commandments. Really, the Lord told me.  Well, that’s what I did in PR, but this is a strange country, nor does the pastor know we exist, although if we had introduced ourselves, but when they are big churches it is difficult. But, here we are Lord serving you, I said. Really? the Lord told me. How to deceive the Lord who knows everything, excuses are futile.

Finally, I ask him, tell me God, what do you want from me? He told me, write. But, from my side, excuses continued, “but, my husband is doing that, my husband is writing a book of his experiences with you about how you have transformed our lives and finances, why do I have to write?” Just write, the Lord answered me. This is the reason I start writing for you. Now I understand that if it were not for my free time would not be writing this blog.

I have the scientific “vein”, the truth is that to me doesn’t make sense, as there are so many writers. I recognize that when for the man doesn’t make sense, God is working. One thing I am certain,I do know that God has transformed my life, my marriage, my family, our finances, and all that I have and what I do not have or see, God is in control. That’s why I served him, by grace and by love.  “Lord, I love you, you know I love you!” I was saying in my mind and heart. God through His word told me, then follow me! I believe him! I give up what I have and I follow you, God. Although my eyes and my humanity do not see it, I still believe in you and what you will do in my life and in others that read these words. Do you think so? Because I do.

I love you, my God.

 

Prayer: I don’t know what you believe in, but open your heart! to opportunities.

Lord Jesus, counsel by excellence, forgive my sins, my unbelief and even the lack of faith. My beloved Lord, Captain of my life, for I want you to be from now on. Help me! Help me! For I am in distress. Don’t for sake me! Help me and give me the wisdom to follow you!  With my strength I can not do more! I tried everything, everything! So, what do I have left? Nothing.

However, you said in your word that everything you ask in your name that you will do (St. John 14:13) and today I ask in your name (ask!) …

I want to leave everything to you. Give me the faith, wisdom and certainty that everything I have asked in your time will be done, I only ask that you help me to continue waiting confidently in you. Amen. I  Love you! Lord, you know I love you! I want to follow you. Amen

A friendly advice:

No matter how many questions you have and how many reasons, read the Bible, pray and fast are the keys to holding you at bad time. Look at the target, God, and seek help from wise people such as professional people, pastor, or other that can help you. Moreover, Go to a church of your choice (but I recommend that you go to a church that believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and above all that Christ comes as promised in his word).

St. John 14:1-4, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” Bible Reina Valera, 1960.